Friday, July 11, 2014

Going Without Air

I wake up in a dead panic, not knowing where I am. 

What's wrong with me?

I can't breathe. Oh God. I can't breathe. 

Panic is reaching into my sternum and through me. It has a steel fist grip on my spine and it's twisting, trying to keep me from moving or breathing. 

I can't breathe. 

Why is it so hot? 

I'm flapping at my neck, clawing at my hair, trying to get it off of me. The heat feels like it's crawling across me in stinging singes. I feel like I have ants stinging me and roaring wind in my ears. 

Panic has reached into my head and stirred it so badly that I cannot control my thoughts. They're galloping everywhere in a frenzy. 

I start to pace. My convoluted brain keeps screaming, "BREATHE!" I flap. I flap and pace. I angrily flap. I gasp for air. My chest feels as if it will explode. 

An hour goes by.

My husband hears my sounds and wakes up. He asks me what happened. I gasp, "Panic." He nods and rubs my back, which causes me to freeze more. I hate being touched sometimes. I cry some more. 

I try to stretch back out on the bed on and the tightness in my sternum jerks me back up. I yelp. I gasp for more air. 

The panic has set in so badly at this point, my brain is scrambling to make sense of anything. My hands are like foreign objects wildly combing my hair back and then flapping angrily as I pace and gasp and try to think. 

I feel crazy, so damn crazy. Other people don't wake up like this, surely. People sleep, correct? 

I'm going to throw up. 

I hate this. 

I'm shaking so badly and crying so hard. I brush my teeth and recoil at the smell of toothpaste. I hate it- too strong. I wash my face. 

I notice I'm finally breathing. 

I take a deep breath.

I have air. 




5 comments :

  1. I wish that I could breathe for you. This just sounds terrible, honey.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I cannot even begin to imagine how it feels. Thank you for this visceral glimpse. I hate that this happens to you and to many people I know and that I am helpless to make it better for any of you. :/

    ReplyDelete
  3. Panic attacks are so scary. Last time I had one I was convinced I was having a heart attack (feeling like I had a brick in my chest and unable to breathe). I hope you experience some relief soon.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are not alone. Panic Attacks are awful. I have never been able to put mine into words as eloquently as you did. Thank you for sharing your experience.

    ReplyDelete